Simple practices for resilient happiness from Rick Hanson, PhD
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My friends at the Garrison Institute are hosting the 2024 Mind & Life Summer Research Institute (SRI) June 2-8, where they'll be diving into the essential theme of compassion. This unique event brings together researchers, humanists, contemplative practitioners, activists, and concerned citizens to collaboratively address global challenges. Learn more and apply through January 29th here.
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Who are you, deep down?
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The Practice:
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Know You're a Good Person.
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Why?
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For many of us, perhaps the hardest thing of all is to believe that "I am a good person." We can climb mountains, work hard, acquire many skills, and act ethically - but truly feel that one is good deep down? Nah!
We end up not feeling like a good person in a number of ways. For example, I once knew a little girl who'd been displaced by her baby brother and fended off and scolded by her mother who was worn down and busy caring for an infant. This girl was angry at her brother and parents, plus lost and disheartened and feeling cast out and unloved. She'd been watching cartoons in which the soldiers of an evil queen attacked innocent villagers, and one day she said sadly, "Mommy, I feel like a bad soldier."
Later in life – whether in school or adulthood – shamings, moral indictments, religious chastising, and other criticisms come in many shapes and sizes. Feeling morally compromised – the essence of not believing you’re a good person – is fed by related though different experiences of worthlessness, inadequacy, and unlovableness: as my ranch-born father would say, “feeling like you’re the runt of the litter.”
I’ve also known people – including myself – who have done bad things or said them or thought them. Things like hitting an animal, risking the lives of their children while driving buzzed, being mean to a vulnerable person, stealing from a store, feeling contemptuous, or cheating on a partner. These don’t need to be felony offenses to make one feel guilty or ashamed.
In effect, to simplify, it’s as if the psyche has three parts to it: one part says, “you’re not good”; another part says, “you’re good”; and a third part – the one we identify with – listens. The problem is that the critical, dismissive, shaming voice is usually much louder than the protecting, encouraging, and valuing one.
Sure, there is a place for healthy remorse. But shining through our lapses of integrity, no matter how great is an underlying and pervading goodness. Yes, it may be obscured; I am not letting myself or others – from panhandlers to CEOs and Presidents – off the moral hook. But deep down, all intentions are positive, even if they are expressed in problematic ways. When we are not disturbed by pain or loss or fear, the human brain defaults to a basic equilibrium of calm, contentment, and caring. And in ways that feel mysterious, even numinous, you can sense profound benevolence at your core.
Really, the truth, the fact, is that you are a good person. (Me, too.)
When you feel deep down like a bad soldier – or simply not like a good person – you’re more likely to act this way, to be casually snippy, self-indulgent, selfish, or hurtful. On the other hand, when you feel your own natural goodness, you are more likely to act in good ways. Knowing your own goodness, you’re more able to recognize it in others. Seeing the good in yourself and others, you’re more likely to do what you can to build the good in the world we share together.
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How?
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I've learned five good ways to feel like a good person - and there are probably more!
- Take in the good of feeling cared about - When you have a chance to feel seen, listened to, appreciated, liked, valued, or loved: take a dozen seconds or more to savor this experience, letting it fill your mind and body, sinking into it as it sinks into you.
- Recognize goodness in your acts of thought, word, and deed- These include positive intentions, putting the brakes on anger, restraining addictive impulses, extending compassion and helpfulness to others, grit and determination, lovingness,
courage, generosity, patience, and a willingness to see and even name the truth whatever it is. You are recognizing facts; create a sanctuary in your mind for this recognition, holding at bay other voices, other forces, that would invade and plunder this sanctuary for their own agenda (such as the internalization of people you’ve known who made themselves feel big by making you feel small).
- Sense the goodness at the core of your being - This is a fundamental honesty and benevolence. It’s there inside everyone, no matter how obscure. It can feel intimate, impersonal, and perhaps sacred. A force, a current, a wellspring in your heart.
- See the goodness in others - Recognizing their goodness will help you feel your own. Observe everyday small acts of fairness, kindness, and honorable effort in others. Sense the deeper layers behind the eyes, the inner longings to be decent and loving, to contribute, to help rather than harm.
- Give over to goodness - Increasingly let "the better angels of your nature" be the animating force of your life. In tricky situations or relationships, ask yourself, "Being a good person, what's appropriate here?"
As you act from this goodness, let the knowing that you are a good person sink in ever more deeply.
Enjoy this beautiful goodness, so real and so true.
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Know Someone Who Finds It Hard To Believe They’re a Good Person?
Share this Just One Thing practice with them!
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NEW ON THE BEING WELL PODCAST
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Dealing with a Mental Health Crisis, Trauma and Meditation, and Getting Back on the Wagon: January Mailbag
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Forrest and I open up the mailbag to answer questions from listeners. How can we understand and support someone going through a mental health crisis? Is meditation enough to heal trauma? And what can we do about family members that just won’t change? You’ll learn why offering help isn’t always helpful, how to deal with unskillful feedback, and approaches that help with setting and achieving long-term goals.
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| Watch/Listen to the Episode |
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More Good Stuff
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WEDNESDAY MEDITATION
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Watch last week's meditation and talk on Appreciating Life Through Mindfulness of Death and if you haven't yet, join me every week for this free, live offering.
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A fellow World War II veteran inspired this 100-year-old man to walk over 41,000 times around his garden to raise money for those struggling with Motor Neuron Disease.
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NEED MOTIVATION?
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In his newest Substack article, Forrest Hanson writes about how to motivate yourself from the inside out, so you can feel more competent, connected, and in control of your life.
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FOR PARENTS
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“I’ve been thinking lately that I need to focus more on the ways my glass is half full rather than half empty – otherwise, I feel down and cranky. Any ideas?”
This is a beautiful question, and in response we would like to offer A Parent’s Meditation on Gratitude.
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Making Great Relationships
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Get 50 simple practices for solving conflicts, building connection, and fostering love in my newest book that is available wherever books are sold.
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"There’s a critical, dismissive, shaming voice inside many of us that is usually much louder than the protecting, encouraging, valuing inner nurturer. But the truth, the fact, is that you are a good person."
Rick Hanson, Ph.D.
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JUST ONE THING (JOT) is the free newsletter that suggests a simple practice each week for more joy, more fulfilling relationships, and more peace of mind. A small thing repeated routinely adds up over time to produce big results.
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Just one thing that could change your life.
(© Rick Hanson, 2024)
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