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Hi friend,
Most of us didn’t get everything we needed growing up. That’s not a criticism of our parents—it’s just the human condition. But the wounds of early relationships can leave a lasting imprint: a deep sense of anxiety about closeness, or a persistent habit of pushing people away.
These patterns are often rooted in our attachment style. But here’s the hopeful part: you’re not stuck with them. You can become more securely attached over time. I’ve seen it in my clients, in people who take my courses, and in my own life. It takes awareness, intention, and a few key practices—but it’s absolutely possible.
So below you'll find a few things you can start doing today to shift to a more secure place in your relationships. (And if any of this rings true for you, you might find my upcoming course on Healing Insecure Attachment helpful. If you sign up by Friday, you can get it at half-price.)
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— ONE —
Recognize Your Worth—and Be on Your Own Side
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Before you try to change or “fix” anything about yourself, pause. You are already worthy of love and belonging, just as you are. This deep sense of self-acceptance is the foundation of secure attachment—and it grows stronger when you consciously choose to be on your own side.
For those with anxious attachment, this soothes the fear that you're only lovable when you're in distress. For avoidant types, it helps build trust that you're worthy of closeness—even when you let others in.
A few gentle ways to practice this:
Speak to yourself with kindness, especially when you're hurting.
Set boundaries that support your well-being and help you maintain healthy connections.
Reflect on what you genuinely like about yourself—big or small.
Remember moments when you felt truly accepted by someone.
Remind yourself often: "I'm on my own side."
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— TWO —
Name What Was Missing — Kindly and Clearly
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The first step toward healing is developing a coherent narrative about your early relationships. This doesn’t mean blaming or rehashing everything that went wrong. Instead, it means telling the truth—to yourself—with compassion.
Ask yourself:
What did I long for as a child that I didn’t receive consistently?
How have I carried those unmet needs into my adult relationships?
As a result, how do I feel in relationships now — do I crave reassurance, or pull away?
Creating this kind of narrative helps loosen the grip of old pain. It creates space to see your patterns for what they are: understandable adaptations to a tough situation—not flaws in who you are.
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— THREE —
Look for Little Moments of
Connection—and Take Them In
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So often, we overlook the good in our relationships. Someone smiles at us. A friend checks in. A coworker listens patiently. These are real moments of connection—and they’re the raw material of secure attachment.
But for them to be healing, we need to internalize them. Here’s how:
Slow down. Stay with the experience for 5, 10, even 20 seconds.
Feel it in your body: warmth, relaxation, a softening inside.
Let it sink in. Let yourself receive it, like sunlight on your skin.
These small practices, repeated over time, start to shift the emotional brain. They build new pathways of security, replacing the old, painful ones.
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— FOUR —
Seek Out Healthy Relationships
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Healing happens in relationship. And one of the most powerful things you can do is to intentionally seek out relationships that are steady, respectful, and kind—even if they’re not especially close or deep (yet).
Start small. Maybe it’s spending a little more time with a friend who’s consistently warm. Or getting to know someone in your community or workplace who seems emotionally steady. Maybe it’s a therapist, a support group, or just a neighbor you enjoy chatting with.
The key is to notice how you feel around them. Ask yourself:
Do I feel seen?
Do I feel relaxed, accepted, or able to be myself with them?
Do they listen and respond with warmth and consistency?
These are the kinds of experiences that slowly begin to undo old conditioning.
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— FIVE —
Take It One Small Step at a Time
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It's not realistic to expect yourself to transform overnight or suddenly becoming fearless in relationships. This is about taking small, doable steps that gently expand your comfort zone.
If you tend to avoid closeness, try:
making eye contact a little longer
sharing a personal thought or feeling with someone safe
let someone help you, even in a small way
If you tend to cling or feel anxious, try:
pausing before reaching out, soothing yourself first
turn a clinging complaint into a respectful request
give others a little more space — while reminding yourself that space doesn't mean disconnection
You don’t have to take big leaps. In fact, the nervous system learns best through consistent, small signals of safety and connection. Each little act of openness, each moment of presence, becomes a building block of secure attachment. Over time, those tiny shifts create big changes.
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You Don't Have to Do It Alone
This process isn’t easy—but it’s deeply rewarding. And you don’t have to figure it out by yourself.
If you’d like step-by-step guidance, I invite you to join me for my online course, Healing Insecure Attachment, which starts April 26th. We’ll explore the roots of attachment patterns, how they show up in your life today, and how to shift toward lasting inner security and healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
And if you sign up by Friday, you can get the course at half-price.
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You deserve relationships where you don’t have to chase or protect yourself. And little by little, you can start building them.
Warmly,
Rick
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