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Just One Thing |
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Simple Practices for Resilience and Happiness from
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DR. RICK HANSON
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Do you ever feel anxious in relationships? Or maybe you pull away when things get too close? These patterns often come from old wounds—and they can really limit your ability to have close, deep relationships with others. If you join my Healing Insecure Attachment 5-week course (which starts April 26), you'll get practical tools to help you grow a more secure foundation inside yourself — and if you sign up
by Friday, you can get the course half-off.
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Are you hard on yourself? |
THE PRACTICE: |
Don't Beat Yourself Up. |
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— Why? — |
A previous JOT - admit fault and move on - was about our relationship with other people. This JOT applies the same practice to ourselves.
Most people know their less than wonderful qualities, such as too much ambition (or too little), a weakness for wine or cookies, something of a temper, or an annoying tendency to rattle on about pet interests. We usually know when we make mistakes, get the facts wrong, could be more skillful or deserve to feel remorseful.
Some people err on the side of denying or defending these faults (a word I use broadly here). But most people go to the other extreme, repeatedly criticizing themselves in the foreground of awareness, or having a background sense of guilt, unworthiness, and low confidence.
It's one thing to call yourself to task for a fault, try to understand what caused it, resolve to correct it, act accordingly, and move on. This is psychologically healthy and morally accountable. It's another matter entirely to grind on yourself, to lambaste your own character, to fasten on the negative and ignore the good in you, to find yourself wanting - in other words, to beat up yourself. This excessive inner criticism tears you down instead of building your strengths; it's stressful and thus wears on your mood, health, and longevity.
Nor does beating up yourself help others. Most of the time, they don't even know you're doing it, and if they do, they usually wish you'd stop it. Harsh self-criticism can also be a way to avoid feeling genuine remorse, take responsibility, make amends for the past, and do the hard work of preventing the fault in the future..
Further, the charges and scorn we throw at ourselves are often based on nasty scoldings, shamings, rejections, and humiliations experienced as a child: bad enough that they did this to you back then, and even worse that you're doing it to yourself today.
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— How? — |
Pick a small fault - such as being a few minutes late, interrupting, or having too much dessert - and then try on two approaches about it. First, talk to yourself about it like a supportive but no-nonsense friend, coach, teacher, or therapist. Notice what this feels like, and what the results are for you. Let's call this the encouraging approach. Second, talk to yourself about it like an alarmed and intense critic - maybe like your dad, big sister, or a minister or teacher talked to you. What's this approach feel like, and what are its results?
Let the differences between approaches sink in. How do you feel inside when you're "listening" to each one? What's your sense of the influences in your life that have created each approach? What are the distortions or fixations on the negative in the critical approach?
Let a real conviction form as to which approach is better for you - and a real resolve to truly use the one that's best for you.
Then, when you find a fault in yourself - no need to go looking, they appear on their own! - really try to use the encouraging approach. Name the fault to yourself and admit the facts of it unreservedly. Open to any appropriate remorse. Commit to skillful corrections for the future.
And then take a big breath and very deliberately name to yourself three strengths or virtues you have. Let the sense of them, and of your natural goodness, sink in.
And then take another big breath and move on.
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Know someone who's too hard on themselves? |
Share this Just One Thing practice with them!
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NEW ON THE BEING WELL PODCAST
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Self-Concept: The Secret to Changing WHO You Are |
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Forrest and Dr. Rick Hanson explore how self-concept, the invisible architecture of who we are, shapes our lives. They discuss how identity can become a cage, the unconscious beliefs we have about who we are, and how loosening those beliefs might be the key to lasting change.
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| Check out the Episode
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NEW FROM THE WEDNESDAY MEDITATIONS + TALKS
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Finding and Nurturing Your Compassionate Voice |
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Last week, guest teacher Maria Paula Jimenez offered a live meditation on Coming Home to Yourself with Self-Compassion, followed by a talk on Finding and Nurturing Your Compassionate Voice, and I hope you'll check it out.
If you haven't yet, sign up to join me every week for this free, live offering.
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| Check It Out
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MORE GOOD STUFF
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SCIENCE NEWS (VIEW ARCHIVE HERE)
Research is showing that intelligence in birds and mammals likely evolved separately, but with surprisingly similar brain circuits, suggesting there isn't just one way to be smart!
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FOR PARENTS
Just parenting itself is very difficult. In order to raise children with the greatest possible love and skill, three things are vital.
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MY REFLECTIONS ON ADOLESCENCE on NETFLIX
I've been watching the new Netflix show Adolescence — which is powerful and difficult all at the same time, and touches on the many forces that can shape young people today. I decided to record my reactions and thoughts while watching the show, and you can check out my responses to each episode here.
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MASTERCLASS: HEALING ANXIETY, SHAME, AND ANGER
I'm excited to join my colleagues Steve Hayes and Diana Hill for the GCC masterclass Healing Anxiety, Shame, and Anger, where you'll learn to harness these emotions as catalysts for growth, cultivate self-compassion, and build emotional resilience through engaging lessons and practical exercises.
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HAVE YOU READ IT YET?
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Resilient |
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Learn how to develop key inner strengths – like grit, gratitude, and compassion – to stay calm, confident, and happy no matter what life throws at you. Available in Hardcover, Paperback eBook, and Audiobook, wherever books are sold.
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| Get Your Copy
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WORDS OF WISDOM
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"Excessive inner criticism tears you down instead of building your strengths; it's stressful and thus wears on your mood, health, and longevity." |
— RICK HANSON, PHD
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JUST ONE THING (JOT) is the free newsletter that suggests a simple practice each week for more joy, more fulfilling relationships, and more peace of mind. A small thing repeated routinely adds up over time to produce big results.
Just one thing that could change your life.
(© Rick Hanson, 2024)
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