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Just One Thing |
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Simple Practices for Resilience and Happiness from |
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DR. RICK HANSON |
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Our relationships are fundamental to how we experience life and cope with challenges. And unfortunately for many of us, they’re often the source of our stress, frustration, disappointment, or friction.
Join me for a special 4-week series on Relationships where I give you down-to-earth practical help for all of your important relationships, with a focus on effective ways to handle issues, grounded in the combination of strength and heart. (And right now, you can get it half-off.) |
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What happens when you look at someone? |
THE PRACTICE: |
See Beings, Not Bodies. |
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— Why? — |
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When we encounter someone, usually the mind automatically slots the person into a category: older, younger, your friend Tom, the kid next door, etc. Watch this happen in your own mind as you meet or talk with a co-worker, sales clerk, or family member.
In effect, the mind summarizes and simplifies tons of details into a single thing – a human thing to be sure, but one with an umbrella label that makes it easy to know how to act. For example: "Oh, that's my boss (or mother-in-law, or boyfriend, or traffic cop, or waiter) . . . and now I know what to do. Good."
This labeling process is fast, efficient, and gets to the essentials. As our ancestors evolved, rapid sorting of friends or foes was very useful. For example, if you're a mouse, as soon as you smell something in the "cat" category, that's all you need to know: freeze or run like crazy!
On the other hand, categorizing has lots of problems. It fixes attention to surface features of the person's body, such as age, gender, attractiveness, or role. It leads to objectifying others (e.g., "pretty woman," "authority figure") rather than respecting their humanity. It tricks us into thinking that a person comprised of changing complexities is a static unified entity. It's easier to feel threatened by someone you've labeled as this or that. And categorizing is the start of the slippery slope toward "us" and "them," prejudice, and discrimination.
Flip it around, too: what's it like for you when you can tell that another person has slotted you into some category? In effect, they've thingified you, turned you into a kind of "it" to be managed or used or dismissed, and lost sight of you as a "thou." What's this feel like? Personally, I don't like it much. Of course, it's a two-way street: if we don't like it when it's done to us, that's a good reason not to do it to others. |
— How? — |
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This practice can get abstract or intellectual, so try to bring it down to earth and close to your experience.
When you encounter or talk with someone, instead of reacting to what their body looks like or is doing or what category it falls into:
- Be aware of the many things they are, such as: son, brother, father, uncle, schoolteacher, agnostic, retired, American, fisherman, politically conservative, cancer survivor, friendly, smart, donor to the YMCA, reader of detective novels, etc. etc.
- Recognize some of the many thoughts, feelings, and reactions swirling around in the mind of the other person. Knowing the complexity of your own mind, try to imagine some of the many bubbling-up contents in their stream of consciousness.
Being aware of your own changes – alert one moment and sleepy another, nervous now and calm later – see changes happening in the other person.
- Feeling how things land on you, tune into the sense of things landing on the other person. There is an experiencing of things over there – pleasure and pain, ease and stress, joy and sorrow – just like there is in you. This inherent subjectivity to experience, this quality of being, underlies and transcends any particular attribute, identity, or role a person might have.
- Knowing that there is more to you than any label could ever encompass, and that there is a mystery at the heart of you – perhaps a sacred one at that – offer the other person the gift of knowing this about them as well.
At first, try this practice with someone who is neutral to you, that you don't know well, like another driver in traffic or a person in line with you at the deli. Then try it both with people who are close to you – such as a friend, family member, or mate – and with people who are challenging for you, such as a critical relative, intimidating boss, or rebellious teenager.
The more significant the relationship, the more it helps to see beings, not bodies. |
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Know someone who could see beings around them more clearly? |
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Share this Just One Thing practice with them! |
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NEW ON THE BEING WELL PODCAST |
What to Do When Your Worst Fears Come True: Mailbag |
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Dr. Rick and Forrest open up the mailbag and answer questions from listeners, many of which focused on anxiety experiences. They start by discussing “dreaded experiences,” and how we can respond when our worst fears come true. Rick then shares how we can respond effectively to feedback, before answering a short question about taking in the good. Forrest and Rick then answer three questions related to different kinds of anxiety: social anxiety, managing different levels of concern in a relationship, and anxiety brought on by slowing down. |
| Check out the Episode |
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NEW FROM THE WEDNESDAY MEDITATIONS + TALKS |
Finding an Authentic Core of Calm Strength |
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Last week I offered a live meditation on Deep Calm, followed by a talk on Finding an Authentic Core of Calm Strength, and I hope you'll check it out.
If you haven't yet, sign up to join me every week for this free, live offering.
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| Check It Out |
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MORE GOOD STUFF |
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SCIENCE NEWS (VIEW ARCHIVE HERE)
Here's what the latest research is saying about how to stave off dementia and keep your mind sharp.
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FOR PARENTS
Parents find a feeling of fellowship in lots of ways and places. Sometimes it is with one other parent, perhaps chatting on the phone, or bumping into someone at the store, or getting together with the kids.
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RICK ON THE MODERN WISDOM PODCAST
I recently had the pleasure of talking with Chris Williamson about how to rewire your brain to be less miserable - and you can check the episode out here.
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HAVE YOU READ IT YET? |
Making Great Relationships |
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Learn 50 simple practices for solving conflicts, building connection, and fostering love. Available in Hardcover, Paperback eBook, and Audiobook, wherever books are sold.
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| Get Your Copy |
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WORDS OF WISDOM |
"Being seen is often the real stake on the table, the top priority, more important to other people than whether you agree with them about something." |
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— RICK HANSON, PHD |
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JUST ONE THING (JOT) is the free newsletter that suggests a simple practice each week for more joy, more fulfilling relationships, and more peace of mind. A small thing repeated routinely adds up over time to produce big results.
Just one thing that could change your life.
(© Rick Hanson, 2024) |
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