If you're looking to make some changes but don't have much time, you may want to check out my Just One Minute course, which features 57 mini-lessons — each just a minute or two long.
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Who are you resisting?
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The Practice:
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Accept Them as They Are.
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Why?
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I admit it: whether close to home or far away, I wish some people were different. Depending on who they are, I wish they'd stop doing things like leaving cabinet doors open in our kitchen, sending me spam emails, or turning a blind eye to global warming. And I wish they'd start doing things like being friendlier toward me or spending more money on public education. Even if it doesn't affect me directly, for their own sake, I do wish that various people I care about were more energetic, less anxious, or less self-critical.
In what ways do you wish that people were different? Think about the people close to you - friends, family, mates - as well as co-workers, drivers on the highway, business people, media types, politicians, and world leaders. Think about people who are not doing their share of housework, not getting you the healthcare you need, promoting political policies that you dislike if not despise, etc., etc.
It's normal to wish that others were different, just like it's normal to wish that you, yourself, were different (e.g., thinner, richer, wiser). It's fine to try to influence others in skillful, ethical ways.
But problems come when we tip into righteousness, resistance, anger, fault-finding, badgering, or any other kind of struggle.
"Opening out” – my current focus – means relaxing into a growing sense of connection, even oneness, with all things. This is hard to do when we’re struggling with other people!
Instead, we could accept them for who they are and for who they are not.
Accepting people does not itself mean agreeing with them, approving of them, waiving your own rights, or downplaying their impact upon you. You can still take appropriate actions to protect or support yourself or others. Or you can simply let people be. Either way, you accept the reality of the other person. You may not like it, you may not prefer it, you may feel sad or angry about it, but at a deeper level, you are at peace with it. That alone is a blessing. And sometimes, your shift to acceptance can help things get better.
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How?
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Pick someone who is important to you. (You can do this practice with multiple people.) In your mind, out loud, or in writing, say things like these and see how you feel: “I accept you completely. Countless causes, large and small, have led you to think, speak, and act the way you do. You are who you are. I let it be. You are a fact and I accept the facts in my life. You and I are part of a larger whole that is what it is, and I accept it, too.”
If you like, be more specific, naming aspects of this person that particularly bother you, such as: “I accept that you . . . snore . . . leave your clothes on the floor . . . are still angry with me . . . have little natural interest in sex . . . are fighting me tooth-and-nail in this divorce . . . don’t really understand me . . . are not a good teacher for my child . . . break the law . . . hurt people on a large scale . . . “ (And remember that you can still disagree with, make requests of, or stand up to other people – while accepting them fully.)
See if you can tolerate what comes up for you when you soften into acceptance. Often we avoid accepting other people as a way to avoid the feelings we’d have if we opened wide to everything they are and everything they’re not.
Consider how you have gotten tangled up with this other person, struggling to change them. When I do this myself, I become aware of my own rightness, positionality, judgments, pushiness, irritability, narrow views, hurts, longings, grievances, or remorse. See if you can let go of some, even all, of these entanglements. Open to the easing, relief, and peace that can come when you do.
Also, consider how much you like it when you feel that another person accepts you completely. It’s a beautiful gift – and we can give it ourselves to others when we accept them. Imagine how it might improve your relationship with someone if that person felt you accepted him or her fully. Acceptance is a gift that gives back.
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Know Someone Who Could Use More Acceptance?
Share this Just One Thing practice with them!
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NEW ON THE BEING WELL PODCAST
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Healing Self-Abandonment: Anxious Attachment, Healthy Boundaries, and Creating Strong Relationships
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Dr. Rick and Forrest explore self-abandonment, which occurs when we go against our authentic wants, emotions, and boundaries in order to serve others, meet external expectations, or protect ourselves emotionally. They cover where self-abandonment comes from, the psychological function it serves, and the relationship between self-abandonment and similar concepts like anxious attachment, low self-worth, and external referencing. You’ll learn how to set healthy boundaries, stop neglecting yourself, and become more secure from the inside out.
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| Watch/Listen to the Episode |
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More Good Stuff
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WEDNESDAY MEDITATION
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Watch last week's meditation and talk on The Power of Wishing Others Well, and if you haven't yet, join me every week for this free, live offering.
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While not for everyone, it's worth considering a predominantly plant-based diet if you're concerned about your impact on the planet's resources. According to this study, transitioning to plant-based diets can potentially reduce diet-related land use by 76%, diet-related greenhouse gas emissions by 49%, eutrophication by 49%, and green and blue water use by 21% and 14%, respectively.
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FOR PARENTS
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It’s really natural to feel pulled in a million directions when you’re a parent. And, unfortunately, some important goals or needs of yours can get pushed to the back burner indefinitely. To deal with this, it helps a lot to have some sense of your guiding purposes and priorities.
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Making Great Relationships
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Get 50 simple practices for solving conflicts, building connection, and fostering love in my latest book.
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"Try the attitude of accepting difficulty instead of getting aggravated by it. It’s a lot more peaceful."
Rick Hanson, Ph.D.
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JUST ONE THING (JOT) is the free newsletter that suggests a simple practice each week for more joy, more fulfilling relationships, and more peace of mind. A small thing repeated routinely adds up over time to produce big results.
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Just one thing that could change your life.
(© Rick Hanson, 2023)
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