Simple practices for resilient happiness from Rick Hanson, PhD
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I have two free, live online events this week that you may want to check out:
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How do you talk to people?
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The Practice:
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Try a Softer Tone.
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Why?
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Linguists like Deborah Tannen have pointed out that most communications have three elements:
- Explicit content – “There is no milk in the refrigerator.”
- Emotional subtext – Could be irritation, blame, accusation
- An implicit statement about the nature of the relationship – Could be one person gets to criticize and boss around someone else
Many studies have found that the second and third elements – which I define in general as tone – usually have the greatest impact on how an interaction turns out. Since a relationship is built from interactions, the accumulating weight of the tone you use has big effects.
In particular, because of the “negativity bias” of the brain – which is like Velcro for uncomfortable experiences but Teflon for pleasant ones – a repeatedly critical, snarky, disappointed, worried, or reproachful tone can really rock a relationship; for example, John and Julie Gottman’s work has shown that it typically takes several positive interactions to make up for a single negative one.
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How?
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Be mindful of tone – Be on the lookout for needlessly negative tone: your own and others. And when it’s there - including in mild ways like an eye roll, exasperation, or subtle put-down – notice the results. Also, track the results of neutral or positive tone.
Consider your true purposes – In an interaction, ask yourself if you’re there to be right, show the other person how he or she is wrong, vent, or work some covert agenda; these underlying priorities will lead to a problematic tone. Instead, try to ground yourself in more positive purposes, such as finding out what really happened in a situation, speaking from your heart, being empathic, strengthening the relationship, or solving a practical problem.
Lay a good foundation – First, try to establish a frame of relatedness and goodwill, and that you are not trying to boss the other person around. You do not need the cooperation of the other person to unilaterally center yourself, clarify in your mind what it is you want to say, open your heart, find good wishes, and take a little time to get into a relationship before launching into your topic.
Be careful about anger – I think there is a place for anger – it alerts you to wrongs and energizes you to deal with them – and for letting others know you’re feeling annoyed or just plain mad. But how you express your anger can have a lot of unwanted impacts. Humans evolved to be very reactive to tones of anger because they carry signals of threat; just notice how the background hubbub in a restaurant gets quiet when an angry voice is heard.
So slow down, do a few l-o-n-g exhalations to calm your body, put the situation in perspective, and try to feel down to the gentler and more vulnerable feelings beneath anger. Then choose your words carefully, and name what you’re feeling beneath the anger without blaming the other person (e.g., “When there is no milk in the refrigerator, I feel like you are not thinking about the effect on me of taking the last of the milk”). Remember that dumping your anger on others – including via little barbs – harms you, too, and sometimes more than them. As a proverb says, getting angry with others is like throwing hot coals with bare hands: both people get burned.
Gentle your body – Relax your eyes, throat, and heart. This will naturally soften your tone.
Don’t use inflammatory language – Exaggerations, accusations, fault-finding, words like “never” or “always,” insults, swearing, alarming threats, pathologizing (e.g., “you’ve got a personality disorder”), and cheap shots (e.g., “you’re just like your father”) are like gasoline on those hot coals. Instead, use words that are accurate and not provocative. Imagine that you are being videotaped and people you care about will be watching it later; don’t say anything you’ll regret later.
Say what needs to be said – A reasonable and civil tone actually promotes honesty and assertiveness because then you don’t need to fight side battles or backtrack to clean up a mess. But if a softer tone replaces sticking up for yourself, that’s not good for anyone. So keep communicating.
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May your good interactions build great relationships!
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Know Someone Who Could Try a Softer Tone?
Share this Just One Thing practice with them!
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NEW ON THE BEING WELL PODCAST
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The (real) Secret to Happiness: Attachment, Craving, and Enjoying Life
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Forrest and Dr. Rick focus on the secret to everyday happiness: learning how to like without wanting. They talk about the lies our brain tells us, the rapid movement from liking to wanting, and how we can enjoy an experience without craving more of it. They then explore a specific example of getting captured by the brain’s “inner ad agency,” and what we can do to stay in the present, meet key needs, and see the whole of our experience without getting trapped by any one part. You won’t want to miss this one!
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| Watch/Listen to the Episode |
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More Good Stuff
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WEDNESDAY MEDITATION
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Watch last week's meditation and talk on Coming Home: Resting in Peace and Stillness and if you haven't yet, join me every week for this free, live offering.
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POSITIVE NEUROPLASTICITY
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PositiveNeuroplasticity.com provides resources and real-life accounts for using positive brain change in your everyday life. Classes and one-on-one counselling are also available to deepen your learning.
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Making Great Relationships
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Get 50 simple practices for solving conflicts, building connection, and fostering love in my latest book.
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"Truly, each one of us can come home to the dignity, authority, and courage to stand in the truth and speak from the heart with passion and power, free of the flames of anger."
Rick Hanson, Ph.D.
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JUST ONE THING (JOT) is the free newsletter that suggests a simple practice each week for more joy, more fulfilling relationships, and more peace of mind. A small thing repeated routinely adds up over time to produce big results.
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Just one thing that could change your life.
(© Rick Hanson, 2023)
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