Simple practices for resilient happiness from Rick Hanson, PhD
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If you're struggling to feel secure or trusting in your relationships with others, it's likely that you've formed insecure attachment patterns from your childhood. We all carry patterns and scripts from our past. The good news is that we can change that, heal, and create more fulfilling relationships and connections with others going forward. And that's what I'll be focusing on in my upcoming, live workshop on Healing Insecure Attachment on August 17. I hope
you'll join me, and if you register by Friday you can save 40%.
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Can you take a moment?
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The Practice:
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Lower Your Stress.
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Why?
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[Note: This JOT is adapted from Mother Nurture – a book written for mothers – focusing on typical situations that are experienced by many, though not all, mothers during the years before their children enter grade school. These are most commonly the years when mothers (biological and adoptive) experience the greatest demands of parenting. The article has been adapted to use non-gender specific language.]
Nobody likes being stressed, but parents often seem to have a hard time doing anything about it. First, it might look like nothing can help. But while it's true that parents no longer have the kind of control over their lives they once had, it's important to remember that no matter how bad it gets, there is always something that can be done to soothe nerves and boost spirits. Right now, for instance, try shifting positions, loosening tight clothing, or taking a full breath. Does that feel even a little better? It's a small thing, but it shows how small actions and adjustments can affect stress levels.
Second, experiencing some resistance to taking time to reduce stress is normal. Many people were raised to put everyone else's needs first, and they can have a hard time asserting their own. And for parents, it just gets worse. Commitments to the children's welfare is so primal that it's hard to pay attention to one's own needs – it can be hard to think about taking a nap or a bath when the children need something – plus other people can add guilt for daring to try.
This view is pretty darn crazy. Nurturing one's own needs is what enables parents to provide the best care for their children.
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How?
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Even in the middle of the most insane day, there are lots of things that can be done to immediately lower stress levels, foster a better sense of well-being, and create a small space in which to begin figuring out how to lower stresses over the long term. Additionally, getting out of the red zone stops the current wear and tear on the body, and it helps prevent the brain and hormones from getting so sensitized to stress that they overreact to it in the future.
That's why it's important to feel good as often as possible, at least several times each day. These experiences are more than enjoyable: they help protect the body against future stresses, improve problem-solving, and stop downward spirals.
Here are some soothers to practice throughout the day:
- Take four long, slow breaths, and with the exhale, imagine that a gray cloud of stress, worries, or troubles is leaving the body. With the inhale, imagine that peace and love and wisdom are filling the body.
- Repeat a favorite saying or prayer.
- Make a cup of tea.
- Listen to music.
- Go for a short walk.
- Call a friend for a quick chat.
- Meditate.
- Exercise, dance, stretch or do yoga.
- Do some art or a craft.
- Prepare a simple healthy meal.
Some of these things will take only a minute or so, and can be done while nursing, tending to children, doing housework, or driving. It's also important to continue using whatever stress-reducing techniques are already working well. Partners can also help one another take breaks, perhaps for half an hour in the evening or for several hours each weekend. And it's important to make sure there are times with the kids that are especially enjoyable. Make a mental list of fun things to do with the children and make time to do those activities on a regular basis. Plus, dream up a wish list of new things to do with the kids, and then do at least some of them. It doesn't have to be a big-ticket item.
Be at peace
Another way to stay well is by focusing on being rather than doing. Sure there's a lot to do, but avoid running around like the Energizer Bunny more than is needed, being perfectionistic, or staying busy as a way to avoid certain feelings. Every so often, stop all that doing for a bit. Perhaps the In Box is empty, the baby's asleep, the bills are in the mail. The urgency of the daily round falls away, and a quiet fills the air. Thoughts slow down, no longer grabbed and jostled by tasks. There is presence in this moment and no worries about the future. Allow the feeling of being freer, less bound by burdens, less limited by roles. The edges soften. Each breath comes like a wave on the seashore, rising and falling, the
ocean abiding. There is peace, contentment, warmth, and happiness, just here, just as you are.
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NEW ON THE BEING WELL PODCAST
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Why You’re Feeling Stuck…
and How to Fix It
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Most of us have gone through a time in life when it felt like we were stuck: unable to deal with our issues, change in useful ways, or make our lives the way we wanted them to be. It’s often not for lack of trying. You read the books, you followed the exercises, you maybe even saw a therapist…but it just didn’t help. On today’s episode, Dr. Rick and Forrest explore why feeling stuck happens, and what we can do about it.
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Watch/Listen to the Episode
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HENRY SHUKMAN—Live Meditation TONIGHT, Plus New Book:
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Original Love
The Four Inns on the Path of Awakening
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Henry Shukman is a friend of mine, but also a teacher that has opened doors of insight and inner freedom. He teaches us how to come home again.
Tonight Henry will be leading a meditation and talk for my free Wednesday Meditation series, and I hope you'll check it out. (If you're not signed up for my Wednesday Meditations yet, you can do that here.)
And you may also want to check out his new book Original Love, or his upcoming workshop of the same name.
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More Good Stuff
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WEDNESDAY MEDITATION
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Watch last week's meditation and talk on Gathering and Dispersing: The Two Great Movements of the Heart, and if you haven't yet, join me every week for this free, live offering.
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The discovery of a substantial cave near the Apollo 11 landing site on the moon offers an exciting opportunity for shelter when NASA astronauts return later this decade.
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FOR PARENTS
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Parenthood is not a medical issue, but depletion is. Every year, it impacts millions of Americans and their family members, and it probably leads to billions of dollars in health care expenses and lost productivity.
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Making Great Relationships
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Get 50 simple practices for solving conflicts, building connection, and fostering love in my latest book.
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"Challenges are good, mobilization is good, but stress is not."
Rick Hanson, Ph.D.
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JUST ONE THING (JOT) is the free newsletter that suggests a simple practice each week for more joy, more fulfilling relationships, and more peace of mind. A small thing repeated routinely adds up over time to produce big results.
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Just one thing that could change your life.
(© Rick Hanson, 2024)
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