 |
Just One Thing |
|
|
|
Simple Practices for Resilience and Happiness from |
|
DR. RICK HANSON |
 |
|
|
|
Is it worth it? |
THE PRACTICE: |
See Deep Wants. |
|
|
— Why? — |
|
I did my Ph.D. dissertation by videotaping 20 mother-toddler pairs and analyzing what happened when the mom offered an alternative to a problematic want ("not the chainsaw, sweetie, how about this red truck?!"). Hundreds of bleary-eyed hours later, I found that offering alternatives reduced the child's negative emotions and increased cooperation with the parent.
Pretty interesting (at least to me, both as a new parent and as someone desperate to finish grad school). And there's an even deeper lesson. Kids - and adults, too – obviously want to get what they want from others. But more fundamentally, we want to know that others understand our wants – and even more fundamentally, that they want to.
Consider any significant relationship: someone at work, a friend, or a family member. How does it feel when they misinterpret what you want? Or worse, when they couldn't care less about understanding what you want?
Ouch.
When you recognize the deeper wants of others, they feel seen and are less likely to be reactive. Plus, you've gained lots of valuable information. And it becomes easier to ask them to do the same for you.
This approach also gradually reveals the profound desires at the center of being. Each person must come to know these in his or her own way. These quintessential leanings of the heart are beyond language. Diffidently and with respect, I could offer three words – fingers pointing at the moon but not the moon itself – that are suggestive: to be conscious, free, and loving.
For you, what are the deepest wants of all? |
— How? — |
|
With a friend or a stranger, look deeper, behind the eyes, beneath the surface. You might sense a wish for pleasure, a commitment to others, a priority on security, a delight in life, a valuing of autonomy, or a need for love.
Look down into your own core of being and into its longings, and you'll find many of the same wishes. They're just as powerful and precious to the other person as they are to you.
Deep down, most wants are positive. The means to these ends may be misguided, but the fundamental ends themselves are usually good ones. Typically, even horrible behaviors are misguided efforts to gain positive things like pleasure, independence, recognition, control, or justice. Of course, this is not to justify these actions in any way. But grounding oneself in the truth, the whole truth, means seeing the whole picture, including the good intentions poignantly producing bad behavior.
Try applying this truth to yourself, regarding some act you regret. What positive aims did the act serve? What's it like to recognize this? For me, opening up to see the good aims underlying bad acts actually softens my defensiveness and helps move me to appropriate remorse, and to greater resolve to find better ways to pursue those aims. It also cuts through harsh self-criticism and encourages self-compassion.
Then, during an interaction with someone who is difficult for you – or while reflecting on the relationship as a whole – try to see the deeper wants in the other person, behind the acts of thought, word, or deed that have bothered or hurt you. (I suggest you don't do this if you tend to blame yourself when others mistreat you.) You may not like how the other person is pursuing the deep want, but at least you can align with that want – all deep wants are positive – and if you like, try to figure out less harmful ways to fulfill it.
Last, on the fly or at particularly quiet moments, open to listening to the soft murmurs of your own most fundamental wants. In what ways are you sincerely trying to fulfill them?
Also: are there any of your deepest wants that it feels right to do more for? What would that look like, concretely, in everyday life?
Imagine your deepest wants like a soft, warm current at your back, gently and powerfully carrying you forward along the long road ahead. How would this feel?
Where would this road lead? |
| Read this Online |
|
Know someone who could recognize the deep wants in themselves and others? |
|
|
|
Share this Just One Thing practice with them! |
|
Share on Facebook | Tweet on X | Forward this Email |
|
|
|
|
|
|
NEW ON THE BEING WELL PODCAST |
Against Nonchalance: Why Caring is Cool in 2026 |
 |
|
Not caring - or nonchalance - is having a cultural moment. Nihilism is in, trying too hard is cringe, and the best way to cope with an often disappointing world is by not getting that invested. There's just one problem: it's hard to live a meaningful life without caring. In this episode, Forrest and Dr. Rick close 2025 by making the case for healthy caring: choosing objects of care wisely, prioritizing process over outcome, and cultivating equanimity without slipping into apathy. They do this by exploring four common obstacles that keep people from caring, sharing practical ways to work with each of them. |
| Check out the Episode |
|
|
|
|
|
|
FROM THE WEDNESDAY MEDITATIONS + TALKS ARCHIVE |
Equanimity – What It Is, Why It's Good, and How to Develop It |
 |
|
Life can shake us - whether it's personal loss, financial uncertainty, or just the stress of the world. Maybe you're struggling to move forward after a major change, or feeling stuck in frustration and resentment. Perhaps you're simply exhausted from trying to keep it all together.
In this talk I explored equanimity - what it really is (hint: it's not numbing out or ignoring reality), why it's so powerful, and how you can develop it to stay grounded, even when life feels like… too much.
If you haven't yet, sign up to join me every week for this free, live offering.
|
| Check It Out |
|
|
|
|
|
|
MORE GOOD STUFF |
|
|
|
SCIENCE NEWS (VIEW ARCHIVE HERE)
A recent study suggests that long ago, a nearby exploding star may have bathed our young solar system in cosmic rays, sprinkling it with just the right mix of radioactive ingredients to build rocky, Earth-like planets around the Sun and stars like it.
|
|
|
|
FOR PARENTS
When children come along, relatives can be an incredible blessing or something of a curse – and sometimes both at the same time. Happily, there are lots of ways to keep things on a good footing with the relatives.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
HAVE YOU READ IT YET? |
Making Great Relationships |
 |
|
Learn 50 simple practices for solving conflicts, building connection, and fostering love. Available in Hardcover, Paperback eBook, and Audiobook, wherever books are sold.
|
| Get Your Copy |
|
|
|
|
|
|
WORDS OF WISDOM |
"When you recognize the deeper wants of others, they feel seen and are less likely to be reactive." |
|
— RICK HANSON, PHD |
|
|
|
|
JUST ONE THING (JOT) is the free newsletter that suggests a simple practice each week for more joy, more fulfilling relationships, and more peace of mind. A small thing repeated routinely adds up over time to produce big results.
Just one thing that could change your life.
(© Rick Hanson, 2024) |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
