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Just One Thing |
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Simple Practices for Resilience and Happiness from |
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DR. RICK HANSON |
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When emotions run hot, it’s easy to get swept up in reactivity. This week’s article explores how to step back instead of strike back, and if you’re looking for deeper tools to stay steady when things get tense, check out my upcoming live workshop: The Calm Mind. It offers four powerful habits to help you feel more peaceful, centered, and in control—even when the world isn’t. (And if you sign up by Midnight tonight you can save 20%!) |
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Who do you argue with? |
THE PRACTICE: |
Don't Quarrel. |
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— Why? — |
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It's one thing to stick up for yourself and others. But it's a different matter to get caught up in wrangles, contentiousness, squabbles . . . in a word: quarrels.
Similarly, it's one thing to disagree with someone, even to the point of arguing - but it's a different matter to get so caught up in your position that you lose sight of the bigger picture, including your relationship with the other person. Then you're quarreling.
You know you're quarreling when you find yourself getting irritated, especially with that sticky feeling that you're just not gonna quit until you've won.
Quarrels happen both out in the open, between people, and inside the mind, like when you make a case in your head about another person or keep revisiting an argument to make your point more forcefully. We quarrel most with family and friends - imagine that! But also with people on TV, or politicians and groups we don't like. We can even quarrel with conditions in life (such as an illness or tight money) or with physical objects, like a sticky drawer slammed shut in anger.
However they happen, quarrels are stressful, activating the ancient fight-or-flight machinery in your brain and body: a bit of this won't harm you, but a regular diet of quarreling is not good for your long-term physical and mental health.
Plus, it eats away like acid on a relationship. For example, I was in a serious relationship in my mid-twenties that was headed for marriage, but our regular quarrels finally so scorched the earth in our hearts that no love could grow there for each other.
This week, try not to quarrel with anyone or anything. |
— How? — |
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Be mindful of what quarreling feels like, in your body, emotions, and thoughts. For example, be aware of that sense of revving up, pushing against, being right, and driving your view home that is so characteristic of quarreling. Ask yourself: Does this feel good? Is this good for me?
Observe the impact of quarreling in relationships, whether you're doing it or others are (including on the world stage). Ask yourself: Are the results good? What would my relationships be like if I did not quarrel in them?
If you sense yourself warming up to a quarrel, step back, slow down, don't do it. Try a different approach: Say only what truly needs saying; stay calm and contained, without trying to persuade the other person; don't take any bait. If it comes to this, let the other person, not you, look over-heated and argumentative.
Much of the time, you'll realize that nothing needs to be said at all: you just don't have to resist the other person. His or her words can pass on by like a gust of air swirling some leaves along its way. You don't have to be contentious. Your silence does not equal agreement. Nor does it mean that the other person has won the point - and even if he or she has, would that actually matter so much in a week - or year - or so?
If you do get caught up in a quarrel, as soon as you realize that's happened, back out of it. A good first step is to get quieter. Think about what really matters in the interaction - like saying what you are going to do in the future or finding out some key fact - and then zero in on that thing, whatever it is. Maybe acknowledge to the other person that you've realized you've gotten into a kind of argument here, but that's not what you really want to do. If that person tries to keep up the fight, you don't have to. It takes two to quarrel, and only one to stop it. Then when the time is right, as you can, try to repair the damage of the quarrel.
Overall, explore the sense of being at peace with the world, without a quarrel with anyone. |
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Know someone who could quarrel less? |
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Share this Just One Thing practice with them! |
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NEW ON THE BEING WELL PODCAST |
People Pleasing, AI Therapy, and Sexual Transference: May Mailbag |
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In this very fun episode, Dr. Rick and Forrest open the mailbag and answer questions from listeners about people pleasing, the potential (and pitfalls) of using AI as a therapist, and what to do when you develop strong feelings for your therapist. They discuss existential themes like aloneness and agency, whether Gandalf would have made a good therapist, and close with some heartfelt thoughts about what supports a long and loving relationship. |
| Check out the Episode |
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NEW FROM THE WEDNESDAY MEDITATIONS + TALKS |
Key Steps in Your Personal Growth Journey |
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Last week I explored six key turning points in my own journey of practice and offered a meditation on The Happiness of Coming to Rest, and I hope you'll check it out.
If you haven't yet, sign up to join me every week for this free, live offering.
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MORE GOOD STUFF |
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SCIENCE NEWS (VIEW ARCHIVE HERE)
When ocean heat waves hit, clownfish (like Nemo) actually shrink their bodies to survive, helping them use less energy and fit better in their stressed-out anemone homes, proving these fish aren't clowning around when it comes to climate change.
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FOR PARENTS
Please take a look at this list of ten good reasons to support mothers. They’re all based on solid experience, research, and ethical reasoning. There’s no special treatment here: if men were the ones having babies – or are the ones rearing them – the same list applies to them.
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QUIZ: What's Blocking Your Calm?
We all long for more ease, clarity, and groundedness. But sometimes hidden patterns get in the way. Take this short quiz to discover your Calm Blocker.
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HAVE YOU READ IT YET? |
Buddha's Brain: 15th Anniversary Edition |
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With more than 500,000 copies in print since it was first published, I'm proud to announce the 15th Anniversary edition of my book Buddha's Brain, which features this new preface.
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| Get Your Copy |
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WORDS OF WISDOM |
"It takes two to quarrel, and only one to stop it." |
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— RICK HANSON, PHD |
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JUST ONE THING (JOT) is the free newsletter that suggests a simple practice each week for more joy, more fulfilling relationships, and more peace of mind. A small thing repeated routinely adds up over time to produce big results.
Just one thing that could change your life.
(© Rick Hanson, 2024) |
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