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Just One Thing |
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Simple Practices for Resilience and Happiness from |
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DR. RICK HANSON |
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Deep down, we all long to feel good about ourselves — to know we are enough, we are worthy, and we are lovable. If that's been harder for you to feel lately, I hope you'll join my upcoming Self-Worth Workshop. Over 6 weeks, I’ll share simple, practical ways to let go of old doubts and insecurities, so you can rest in a lasting sense of your true value and confidence. (And if you sign up now, you can save $100.) |
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Are we there yet? |
THE PRACTICE: |
Relax, You've Arrived. |
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— Why? — |
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We spend so much of our time trying to get somewhere.
Part of this comes from our biological nature. To survive, animals – including us – have to be goal-directed, leaning into the future.
It’s certainly healthy to pursue wholesome aims, like paying the rent on time, raising children well, healing old pain, or improving education.
But it’s also important to see how this focus on the future – on endless striving, on getting the next task done, on climbing the next mountain – can get confusing and stressful.
It’s confused because the brain:
- Overestimates both the pleasure of future gains and the pain of future losses. (This evolved to motivate our ancient ancestors to chase carrots hard and really dodge sticks.)
- Makes the future seem like a real thing when, in fact, it doesn’t actually exist and never will. There is only now, forever, and always.
- Overlooks or minimizes the rightness of this moment – including the many things already resolved or accomplished – in order to keep you looking for the next threat or opportunity. (For more on how the brain makes us stressed and fearful, see Buddha’s Brain.)
Further, this pursuit of the next thing is confused because the mind tends to transfer unfulfilled needs from childhood into the present, such as to be safe, worthy, attractive, successful, or loved. These longings often take on a life of their own – even after the original issues have been largely or even wholly resolved. Then we’re like the proverbial donkey trying to get a carrot held out in front of it on a pole: no matter how long we chase it, it’s always still ahead, never attained. For example, for years, I pursued achievement due to underlying feelings of inadequacy; how many accomplishments does a person need to feel like a worthwhile person?
Besides being confused and confusing, striving is stressful. You’ve got to fire up, activating the fight-or-flight sympathetic nervous system and its related stress hormones. There’s a sense of pressure or worry about a future that’s inherently uncertain, of entrapment on a never-ending treadmill. There’s a lack of soothing and balance that would come from recognizing the truth of things:
You’ve actually already arrived. |
— How? — |
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Recognize the simple fact that you got here, in this place, and now, at this moment. It may not be perfect. But think of the many things you have certainly done to come here. At a minimum, you survived high school! You’ve taken many steps, solved many problems, left many tasks and challenges behind you.
The word “arrive” comes from roots that mean “to reach the shore.” Once you land, of course, life is not over, since the next moment will be a new arrival. But sinking into the sense of having arrived, of having crossed the finish line of this moment, is calming, happy, and deserved. And knowing you’ve arrived, you are now more able to turn your attention toward being of true service to others.
To deepen the sense of arrival, help yourself relax into this moment. From time to time, you could softly say in your mind: arriving . . . arrived . . . arriving . . .
Draw on your body to strengthen this experience. Let each breath land in your awareness: arriving . . . arrived . . . arriving . . . Be aware of the bite landing in the mouth, the meal consumed, the body fed. As you walk, notice that, with each step, you have reached another place. Know that your hand has reached a cup, that the eye has received a sunset, that the smile of a friend has landed in your heart.
Consider old longings, old drives, that truly may be fulfilled, at least to a reasonable extent. (And if not fulfilled, maybe it’s time to let something go and move on.) Can you lighten up about these? Or can you accept that you have arrived at a place this moment that contains unfulfilled goals and unmet needs? It’s still an arrival. Plus, it’s a “shore” that probably has many good things about it no matter what’s still undone.
In the deepest sense, reflect on the fact that each moment arrives complete in itself. Each wave lands on the shore of Now complete in its own right.
Arriving . . . arrived . . . arriving . . .
Arrived. |
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NEW ON THE BEING WELL PODCAST |
People Pleasing and the Fawn Response with Meg Josephson |
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Forrest and therapist Meg Josephson explore the fawn response, a survival strategy where safety is sought through people pleasing. They discuss how fawning can start as self-protection in childhood, but later morph into overthinking, hypervigilance, and self-abandonment. Meg shares her own experience, including how fawning creates resentment and makes it difficult to find a healthy relationship or figure out your authentic needs. |
| Check out the Episode |
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NEW FROM THE WEDNESDAY MEDITATIONS + TALKS |
Just Do the Right Thing |
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Last week I offered a live meditation on Resting in Opening, followed by a talk on Just Do the Right Thing, and I hope you'll check it out.
If you haven't yet, sign up to join me every week for this free, live offering.
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| Check It Out |
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MORE GOOD STUFF |
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SCIENCE NEWS (VIEW ARCHIVE HERE)
A newborn planet about five times the mass of Jupiter was caught munching through its dusty birth disc around a young star, giving astronomers a rare and clear snapshot of an early planet forming right in front of them.
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FOR PARENTS
Kids thrive not by being regularly frustrated, but by mostly feeling safe, seen, and cared for - with gentle limits that keep frustration just enough to guide, not harm.
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SHORT ON TIME?
If you've been wanting to make a real change, but life keeps getting in the way, you may want to check out my Just One Minute course - which offers a different practice each week that only takes a minute or two.
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HAVE YOU READ IT YET? |
Making Great Relationships |
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Learn 50 simple practices for solving conflicts, building connection, and fostering love. Available in Hardcover, Paperback eBook, and Audiobook, wherever books are sold.
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| Get Your Copy |
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WORDS OF WISDOM |
"In the deepest sense, reflect on the fact that each moment arrives complete in itself." |
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— RICK HANSON, PHD |
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JUST ONE THING (JOT) is the free newsletter that suggests a simple practice each week for more joy, more fulfilling relationships, and more peace of mind. A small thing repeated routinely adds up over time to produce big results.
Just one thing that could change your life.
(© Rick Hanson, 2024) |
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