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Just One Thing |
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Simple Practices for Resilience and Happiness from |
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DR. RICK HANSON |
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If you’re tired of second-guessing yourself, chasing approval, or quietly carrying that feeling of being “not enough,” I hope you’ll join me in The Self-Worth Workshop to gently loosen those old patterns and grow a deeper, more unshakable sense of worth from the inside out. (And if you sign up by tomorrow, you can save 30%.) |
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Can you be with the whole of your psyche? |
THE PRACTICE: |
Let It R.A.I.N. |
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— Why? — |
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When you're young, the territory of the psyche is like a vast estate, with rolling hills, forests and plains, swamps, and meadows. So many things can be experienced, expressed, wanted, and loved.
But as life goes along, most people pull back from major parts of their psyche. Perhaps a swamp of sadness was painful, or fumes of toxic wishes were alarming, or jumping exuberantly in a meadow of joy irritated a parent into a scolding. Or maybe you saw someone else get in trouble for feeling, saying, or doing something and you resolved, consciously or unconsciously, to Stay Away From That Place Forever.
In whatever way it happens, most of us end up by mid-adulthood living in the gatehouse, venturing out a bit, but lacking much sense of the whole estate, the great endowment of the whole psyche. Emotions are shut down, energetic and erotic wellsprings of vitality are capped, deep longings are set aside, sub-personalities are shackled and silenced, old pain and troubles are buried, the roots of reactions - hurt, anger, feelings of inadequacy - are veiled so we can't get at them, and we live at odds with both Nature and our own nature.
Sure, the processes of the psyche need some regulation. Not all thoughts should be spoken, and not all desires should be acted upon! But if you suppress, disown, push away, recoil from, or deny major parts of yourself, then you feel cut off, alienated from yourself, lacking vital information about what is really going on inside, no longer at home in your own skin or your own mind - which feels bad, lowers effectiveness at home and work, fuels interpersonal issues, and contributes to health problems.
So what can we do? How can we reclaim, use, enjoy, and be at peace with our whole estate - without being overwhelmed by its occasional swamps and fumes?
This is where R.A.I.N. comes in. |
— How? — |
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R.A.I.N. is an acronym originally created by Michelle McDonald, a senior mindfulness teacher, to summarize a powerful way to expand self-awareness. Tara Brach has developed this approach further, including in her highly recommended book, Radical Compassion: Learning to Love Yourself and Your World with the Practice of RAIN. (I've adapted their approaches below, and any flaws are my own, not Michelle’s or Tara's.)
R = Recognize: Notice that you are experiencing something, such as irritation at the tone of voice used by your partner, child, or co-worker. Step back into observation rather than reaction. Without getting into the story, simply name what is present, such as "annoyance," "thoughts of being mistreated," "body firing up," "hurt," "wanting to cry."
A = Accept (Allow): Acknowledge that your experience is what it is, even if it's unpleasant. Be with it without attempting to change it. Try to have self-compassion instead of self-criticism. Don't add to the difficulty by being hard on yourself.
I = Investigate (Inquire): Try to find an attitude of interest, curiosity, and openness. Not detached intellectual analysis but a gently engaged exploration, often with a sense of tenderness or friendliness toward what it finds. Open to other aspects of the experience, such as softer feelings of hurt under the brittle armor of anger. It's OK for your inquiry to be guided by a bit of insight into your own history and personality, but try to stay close to the raw experience and out of psychoanalyzing yourself.
N = Not-identify (Not-self): Have a feeling/thought/etc., instead of being it. Disentangle yourself from the various parts of the experience, knowing that they are small, fleeting aspects of the totality you are. See the streaming nature of sights, sounds, thoughts, and other contents of mind, arising and passing away due mainly to causes that have nothing to do with you, that is impersonal. Feel the contraction, stress, and pain that comes from claiming any part of this stream as "I," or "me," or "mine" - and sense the spaciousness and peace that comes when experiences simply flow. |
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* * * |
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R.A.I.N. and related practices of spacious awareness are fundamental to mental health, and always worth doing in their own right. Additionally, sometimes they alone enable painful or challenging contents of the mind to dissipate and pass away.
But often it is not enough to simply be with the mind, even in as profound a way as R.A.I.N. Then we need to work with the mind, by reducing what's negative and increasing what's positive. (It's also necessary to work with the mind to build up the inner resources needed to be with it; being with and working with the mind are not at odds with each other as some say, but in fact, support each other.)
And whatever ways we work with the garden of the mind - pulling weeds and planting flowers - will be more successful after it R.A.I.N.s. |
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NEW ON THE BEING WELL PODCAST |
Trauma in Relationships: What Actually Helps |
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Forrest is joined by associate therapist and his fiancée Elizabeth Ferreira for an honest, personal conversation about what it’s actually like to be in a relationship when one partner is living with trauma, complex PTSD, or another ongoing mental health challenge, and how to navigate the unique challenges of trauma in relationships. |
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NEW FROM THE WEDNESDAY MEDITATIONS + TALKS |
The Personal Benefits of Empathy for “Them” |
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Last week I explored the personal benefits of having empathy for others, including how it can soften the heart, reduce inner burden, and help us respond more skillfully while still honoring justice and clear boundaries. I hope you'll check it out, along with the meditation I led.
If you haven't yet, sign up to join me every week for this free, live offering.
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MORE GOOD STUFF |
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SCIENCE NEWS (VIEW ARCHIVE HERE)
Researchers are finding that some seals and sea lions can learn and control their calls in surprisingly flexible, almost speech-like ways, thanks to specialized brain wiring for sound and vocal control.
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FOR PARENTS
Disagreements and grievances are normal in any relationship, whether it’s between two parents, or between two nations or peoples. All too often, though, they get out of hand, leading to hurt feelings, anger, and lashing out. Your best chance of resolving a quarrel is to do these four things, even if you just do them yourself.
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POSITIVE NEUROPLASTICITY
PositiveNeuroplasticity.com provides resources and real-life accounts for using positive brain change in your everyday life. Classes and one-on-one counselling are also available to deepen your learning.
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HAVE YOU READ IT YET? |
Making Great Relationships |
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Learn 50 simple practices for solving conflicts, building connection, and fostering love. Available in Hardcover, Paperback eBook, and Audiobook, wherever books are sold.
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WORDS OF WISDOM |
"Often it is not enough to simply be with the mind... Then we need to work with the mind, by reducing what's negative and increasing what's positive." |
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— RICK HANSON, PHD |
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JUST ONE THING (JOT) is the free newsletter that suggests a simple practice each week for more joy, more fulfilling relationships, and more peace of mind. A small thing repeated routinely adds up over time to produce big results.
Just one thing that could change your life.
(© Rick Hanson, 2024) |
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